Edward Champion was born in Fort Wayne, Indiana, which he confused for Santa Clara, California. Champion began his life answering to the name "Michael Martone," only to discover that he was actually named Edward Champion and didn't have Martone's full head of hair. Champion reacted to this by having a nervous breakdown. But after participating in a self-affirmation seminar, he responded to his balding by adopting a bad toupee that resembled Martone's. Champion also wrote several contributor's notes to hash this identity crisis out in public. This identity crisis interested the American public so much that Champion was featured prominently on several morning talk shows and was the first guest to perform cunnilingus on Katie Couric, who despite being pleasured by Champion's tongue, still asked dumbass questions with the vocal timbre of a space cadet. This interview was not aired on the Today show and it is not known if Champion was performing cunnilingus correctly. Champion had been armed with a prodigious supply of K-Y and he had even suggested to Couric that she could call him "Jay," the name of her huband, who died of colon cancer on January 25, 1998. Champion had only hoped to set Couric at ease so that she would be a better interviewer.
Shortly after his Today show appearance, Champion contracted a case of colon cancer himself. This did not stop him from impersonating Michael Martone or attempting to infiltrate the English Department of the University of Alabama. Champion insisted that he was the director of the Creative Writing Department. But the administrators were troubled by the colostomy bag that Champion carried along with him, to say nothing of Champion's bad Martone-like toupee. When an administrative assistant attempted to throw Champion out of the office, the assistant inadvertently slashed open the colostomy bag, causing the bag's smelly contents to spill all over the office. Champion was then sent to a mental institution, where he remains to this day. Champion considers the strait jacket to be "as comfy as silk pajamas" and has expressed a preference for electroshock therapy over thorazine.
Meanwhile, the real Martone has adopted rigorous security procedures to prevent any additional Martone impersonators from invading the English Department's office. Martone takes comfort in the fact that he will always have a full head of hair, whereas Champion will remain a balding lunatic.